Thursday, July 5, 2018

Thank you for leaving.

I know who I am, I have forgotten for a little while. 
What felt like a lifetime of pain of looking in the mirror, day after day, week after week wondering why I wasn’t worthy of his love. I stopped checking his phone because I knew what I would find. I told myself this is just something men do, it’s not about me. I did anything to hide the pain and put on a good face for my children. I listened to friends and family tell me “he loves you”. But, I questioned my self daily “ Is this what love is supposed to feel like?”. I boasted about him on Facebook and this blog about what the “ perfect” husband he was all the while living a lie and making excuses to myself for him.

I destroyed myself. I yo-yo dieted,bought hundreds of  dollars in lingerie and bought him everything he wanted that we could afford. I just wanted to measure up to the woman he was contacting on dating sites. I wanted so badly to be wanted like he wanted them. He was constantly on his phone in the bathroom, in the garage and when he’d put our daughter to bed at night.  When I’d confront him he’d make excuses but never admit to anything. Things would get better for a little while and then go right back to the way they were.

I told you previously, that I was checking his phone. He was on various dating sites and his profiles made me physically ill. I resolved in my mind, that he worked really hard and provided for our family. If this was the best it was going to get, I had to deal with it. I didn’t want my children coming from a broken home or to ever be separated from them. So I went on.

He came home one day and said “ Are you happy?” I said, “ I would like some things to be different”. I thought he had been working a lot and was just stressed. What came next,  brought me to my knees.
He said he was numb to me, the kids, he was standing over a dead body at work and felt nothing. He hadn’t loved me for 2 years. He said “He was sick of going to work and taking care of people and coming home to take care of me and he resented me for it”. That he needed some time. When he got done, he wasn’t sure if I was going to like his answer to all my questions. He didn’t know if it could be saved. That night I went to bed crying. My daughter crawled up in my arms, wiping my tears. She said, “ It’s all going to be alright mama”. He came to bed and slept as far as he could from me. The next day, he went to work.
When he returned home the next day, he packed his things and left. My daughter in my arms screaming, “ Daddy don’t leave us!”. He said, “ Daddy has to fix his self “. Then he walked out the front door.

Two days later he called and said he had spoken with an attorney. He began telling me what I was entitled to. He said he had no money for an attorney, so he would write up an agreement and we would just file directly to the court. Then he asked if he could take the kids tomorrow and he did.
When he came and took the kids, I was left alone in the house. I was surrounded by pictures and memories, good and bad. I started thinking about our previous conversations. What I took from that was, I was burden to everyone and unselfishly thought I should depart from this world. I went to the kitchen, got a bottle of my pills, took them all, and just let go. My mom, being my mom, kept calling. When I did not answer the phone, she left work and came to my house. She found me unresponsive. She called 911 and started CPR. She literally saved my life. 3 days in ICU unresponsive. He never came to the hospital once. When I got home, I had a burning question. What was her name? What did she look like? When they leave like that they are running to someone. So says, the psychologist.

I started going through his Facebook page, looking for his “TYPE”. Yes, he has a type of woman he gravitated to. And, I found her. I have had a Facebook Page our entire 6 1/2 year marriage and he has never liked or loved a single picture or quote. He was on her page liking and loving everything. I confronted him. He denied everything. She was/is his partner at work. They each left their spouses around the same time. There was a plan. My daughter told me she was at my house while I was in ICU. My son said he saw daddy kissing her at the beach. My father took his wallet to the station one day several weeks prior and said she was on her back with her legs in the air when he walked in. I once again confronted him with this and he admitted to being with her with the kids present. We had a talk about telling the truth. He told the kids, she is my girlfriend.

So, I have bared my soul. Good news, it’s still intact. Bad news, it’s shredded and bleeding. But, I know who I am. I’m more confident, I’m stronger and I’m Free.

I know who I am.

Thank you for leaving.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

March 26th 2005

On March 26th 2005 I was run off the road by an aggressive driver who took off and was never caught a week before my 21st birthday.

My car flipped several times and the roof collapsed braking my neck and leaving me paralyzed.

I was air lifted to Lee Memorial Hospital by Medstar I woke up in the Emergency Room with my mom by my side. I knew I was paralyzed I looked at her and said I'm sorry your going to have to take care of me the rest of your life. In which she replied that's what Mommy's and Daddy's do.

I was diagnosed with a Incomplete C5/6 Spinal Cord Injury, Paralyzed from the chest able to use my arms but no use of my fingers or my legs.

I had to learn everything all over again. How to brush my hair,brush my teeth and eat using a hand brace things most people take for granted.

Of course there where moments of frustration, moments of complete fear that I'd never have the life I was dreaming of from a chair but I would never loose sight of my vision for my life.

I spent 48 days in the hospital, mostly learning how to live with what I had but was determined to walk again and live as normal as possible. I was determined I would not let this injury define me.