Thursday, July 5, 2018

Thank you for leaving.

I know who I am, I have forgotten for a little while. 
What felt like a lifetime of pain of looking in the mirror, day after day, week after week wondering why I wasn’t worthy of his love. I stopped checking his phone because I knew what I would find. I told myself this is just something men do, it’s not about me. I did anything to hide the pain and put on a good face for my children. I listened to friends and family tell me “he loves you”. But, I questioned my self daily “ Is this what love is supposed to feel like?”. I boasted about him on Facebook and this blog about what the “ perfect” husband he was all the while living a lie and making excuses to myself for him.

I destroyed myself. I yo-yo dieted,bought hundreds of  dollars in lingerie and bought him everything he wanted that we could afford. I just wanted to measure up to the woman he was contacting on dating sites. I wanted so badly to be wanted like he wanted them. He was constantly on his phone in the bathroom, in the garage and when he’d put our daughter to bed at night.  When I’d confront him he’d make excuses but never admit to anything. Things would get better for a little while and then go right back to the way they were.

I told you previously, that I was checking his phone. He was on various dating sites and his profiles made me physically ill. I resolved in my mind, that he worked really hard and provided for our family. If this was the best it was going to get, I had to deal with it. I didn’t want my children coming from a broken home or to ever be separated from them. So I went on.



He came home one day and said “ Are you happy?” I said, “ I would like some things to be different”. I thought he had been working a lot and was just stressed. What came next,  brought me to my knees.
He said he was numb to me, the kids, he was standing over a dead body at work and felt nothing. He hadn’t loved me for 2 years. He said “He was sick of going to work and taking care of people and coming home to take care of me and he resented me for it”. That he needed some time. When he got done, he wasn’t sure if I was going to like his answer to all my questions. He didn’t know if it could be saved. That night I went to bed crying. My daughter crawled up in my arms, wiping my tears. She said, “ It’s all going to be alright mama”. He came to bed and slept as far as he could from me. The next day, he went to work.
When he returned home the next day, he packed his things and left. My daughter in my arms screaming, “ Daddy don’t leave us!”. He said, “ Daddy has to fix his self “. Then he walked out the front door.

Two days later he called and said he had spoken with an attorney. He began telling me what I was entitled to. He said he had no money for an attorney, so he would write up an agreement and we would just file directly to the court. Then he asked if he could take the kids tomorrow and he did.
When he came and took the kids, I was left alone in the house. I was surrounded by pictures and memories, good and bad. I started thinking about our previous conversations. What I took from that was, I was burden to everyone and unselfishly thought I should depart from this world. I went to the kitchen, got a bottle of my pills, took them all, and just let go. My mom, being my mom, kept calling. When I did not answer the phone, she left work and came to my house. She found me unresponsive. She called 911 and started CPR. She literally saved my life. 3 days in ICU unresponsive. He never came to the hospital once. When I got home, I had a burning question. What was her name? What did she look like? When they leave like that they are running to someone. So says, the psychologist.

I started going through his Facebook page, looking for his “TYPE”. Yes, he has a type of woman he gravitated to. And, I found her. I have had a Facebook Page our entire 6 1/2 year marriage and he has never liked or loved a single picture or quote. He was on her page liking and loving everything. I confronted him. He denied everything. She was/is his partner at work. They each left their spouses around the same time. There was a plan. My daughter told me she was at my house while I was in ICU. My son said he saw daddy kissing her at the beach. My father took his wallet to the station one day several weeks prior and said she was on her back with her legs in the air when he walked in. I once again confronted him with this and he admitted to being with her with the kids present. We had a talk about telling the truth. He told the kids, she is my girlfriend.

So, I have bared my soul. Good news, it’s still intact. Bad news, it’s shredded and bleeding. But, I know who I am. I’m more confident, I’m stronger and I’m Free.

I know who I am.

Thank you for leaving.


5 comments:

  1. Hope he’s proud of what he has done because no one else is. How can he hold his head up? Look anyone in the eye? You, on the other hand, are a Rock ��. Love you to the moon and back!

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  2. I cant even imagine the pain his parents must be going through by raising a self indulgent ...selfish no good immoral child who could cause this much pain to their daughter in law and grand children...karma is a bitch and this loothing fool deserves the worst thats coming his way...how can anybody be such a piece of shit to destroy his kids like this and think its ok in his selfish of wanting a different life...god has a plan for you...and the circumstances will be harsh...be prepared

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  3. Colby, I had no idea all this happened. You have survived because of your family, not him. You have two beautiful children because of him, but one day they will realize what was going on and you won’t have to say a word. You have many people on your side draw your strength from them. Rise above this and get your revenge by having the best life possible you can have. Enjoy things as you have never enjoyed things before. Savor all the small things. He will have to answer for his deeds - then, now and in the future. I am in awe of your strength to tell this story, as it couldn’t have been easy. I know you will overcome this as you have so many things in you past. *A note to your Mom - so glad you trusted your instincts and saved your daughters life. You are the kind of mother that every person deserves. You are my hero. Donna Jordan

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  4. What he did was incomprehensible. It seems like he was mentally abusing you for years and you put up with it to keep your family intact. That takes complete courage. Thank you for sharing this and I believe this will help in your healing. I love you so much and I never doubted your strength for one second.

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  5. Colby, you have been through so much and I totally get where you’re coming from. We’ve lost so much in your young life but, you’ve been given the gift of two wonderful children who need you more than you can imagine. I hate those wells of darkness that try to drag us under. Those tears that pop up at unexpected times. That feeling of not being wanted or loved, not worthy. I’m speaking of myself but, I know you know these feelings. Remember, you are strong, you are beautiful, you are worthy!! You knew this before and you can do it again. Dig deep and put a smile on your face, even if it’s false and soon it will feel right again. Sending you love and hugs and healing energy!

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